Obviously, as someone who loves action figures (I don't collect them, but I do buy the odd ones here and there of things I like to dot around my desk), I think Dwarf ones would be wonderful. And then I started thinking of all the figures that you could do - in a Family Guy/Simpsons style, you could do wave after wave of figures, with special versions of certain characters. Obviously, in Dwarf, there are so many alternate versions and whatnot that you could do plenty. There could be a massive array of figures to choose from, and it would be fantastic.

Of course, it would never happen. I just can't see the action figure market and Red Dwarf ever having a happy marriage. Maybe one or two figures coming out here and there, sure - but I just can't see Dwarf attracting the hardcore toy collectors that would be needed justify wave upon wave of figures. I'm not sure why, I just can't, as great as the bits and bobs of toys and merch we've had lately have been. Even so, though, it got me thinking. And I was a bit bored at work, so I started compiling a list of all the figures that could be made.

And then it got a bit out of hand, because then I started splitting them up into different "waves" of characters to come out bit by bit, and thinking about what accessories they'd have with them, and special variant versions of certain figures that could appear at conventions and the like. Here, then, is my fantasy Red Dwarf Action Figures product listing...

Wave One

RD001 DAVE LISTER
Standard post-series-III costume.
Comes with guitar, hat, Leopard lager can and cigarette

RD011 ARNOLD RIMMER
Series VI-VII blue costume
Comes with light bee
VARIANT FIGURE – Comes in “soft light” red costume

RD021 THE CAT
In black-and-white coat, circa series IV

RD031 KRYTEN 2X4B 523P
Standard version
Comes with groinal attachment and Spare Head Three

RD041 KRISTINE KOCHANSKI
Series VII red costumed version

Wave Two (“The Early Years”)

RD002 SERIES 1-2 LISTER
Wearing London Jets t-shirt etc.
VARIANT FIGURE – Comes in Mugs Murphy t-shirt

RD012 SERIES 1-2 RIMMER
In JMC uniform
Comes with removable beehive hairdo and hologrammatic book

RD022 CAT (FIRST APPEARANCE)
In pink suit
Comes with knife and fork and scent spray

RD042 ORIGINAL KOCHANSKI
Clare Grogan version in JMC uniform

RD051 HOLLY
Norman Lovett version on trolley on wheels

Wave Three

RD003 DEEP SLEEP LISTER
With shaggy hair and beard, and long toenails
Comes with book of polaroids

RD013 GINGHAM DRESS RIMMER
Comes with removable Mr Flibble

RD032 KRYTEN (NUDE)
Comes with interchangeable inflated hand and “vase” of flowers

RD052 CAPTAIN HOLLISTER
Series VIII-style
Comes with muffin and pile cream glove

RD053 THE INQUISITOR
Hand interchangeable between skeleton and gauntlet
Removable helmet to reveal rotating pictures of Dwarf crew!

Wave Four (“Alternate Personalities”)

RD004 SEBASTIAN DOYLE
Comes with limo keys and wallet

RD014 ACE RIMMER
Comes with helmet

RD023 DUANE DIBBLEY
Comes with lunchbox and thermos

RD033 JAKE BULLET
Comes with badge and gun

RD061 DEB LISTER & ARLENE RIMMER
Special two-figure pack!

Wave Five

RD005 UNIFORM LISTER
In JMC shirt and tie

RD015 EXERCISING RIMMER
In JMC-issue t-shirt and shorts

RD024 SERIES VI CAT
In black and peach outfit with buttons, from Gunmen & Rimmerworld

RD034 GOLD KRYTEN
Comes with jewellery and telephone

RD054 LEGION
Comes with Lister’s appendix and removable face mask

Wave Six (“Gunmen of the Apocalypse”)

RD006 BRETT RIVERBOAT
Comes with two knives

RD016 DANGEROUS DAN McGREW
Comes with wooden bar

RD025 THE RIVIERA KID
Comes with guns

RD035 SHERIFF KRYTEN
Comes with “dove” guns and bottle of whiskey

RD055 DEATH
Comes with gun

Wave Seven

RD017 SERIES III-V RIMMER
In green uniform
Comes with removable hat and clipboard
VARIANT FIGURE – In red uniform

RD036 KRYTEN (FIRST APPEARANCE)
David Ross version
Comes with apron and painting of Rimmer

RD056 SIMULANT
Comes with gun

RD057 KINITAWOWI GELF
Comes with removable veil and O/G unit

RD058 CAMILLE BLOB
With flexible tentacle!

Wave Eight

RD007 "LOW" LISTER
Comes with whip and remote control

RD018 PACIFIST RIMMER
With glasses, beard and “Give Quiche A Chance” t-shirt
Comes with “Chameleonic Life Forms – No Thanks” and “CLITORIS” placards

RD026 "HIGH" CAT
With removable hood

RD059 THE DOG
Comes with baseball mitt and bone

RD062 CONFIDENCE & PARANOIA
Special two-figure pack!
Comes with "medical unit" accessory

I could go on, but you get the idea... Um, I'll go back and hide in my corner, now.